Introduction

I've been fortunate in that I've had the chance to help a few women over the years work from being anorgasmic or having a really hard time having an orgasm (say, taking 30+ minutes, or not having ever had one) to big ol' rolling multiple orgasms.

I take little or no credit for the women who have achieved this with me: this is a journey the woman has to take, not I.

I have, however, collected some pointers that may help others along this path.

The way I approach it causes some women to get quite angry. I really do want only the best sexual outcomes for all women, but that doesn't stop some people from getting upset anyways. Please, keep hate mail about this essay to yourself. I'll delete it unread.

This essay is from a North American/US perspective, as well as a rather geeky one. It is, of necessity, very sexist. I am male, but I don't see any reason that this advice couldn't be useful to women with female partners.

For what it's worth, this isn't based solely on my own experience; I got a fair number of hints from my dad. My dad believes that this journey can't be explained; that you have to learn it from someone who has already been there. Having managed without that, I think that's a load of crap, but his experiences over 60+ years have definitely helped me and informed my own experiences.

I don't know whether sharing this essay with the person you're helping is a good idea or not; please do feel free to give me feedback about that, or anything else here, at rlpowell@digitalkingdom.org.

The Start State

There is a particular complex of emotions, issues, and problems surrounding sex and sexuality that seems to be somewhat endemic to growing up female in NA society (I say North American here because I've experienced it in both Canada and the US). The only aspect that we're directly concerned with here is difficulty having lots of orgasms, but they're all part of a package.

I don't have a name for this, but it's going to be annoying if I don't have something to call it in this essay, so let's go with nacomp, which I just made up.

Some things I've noticed that seem to be parts of nacomp; as with anything else I just made up, your mileage may vary:

• Issues with horniness; not that the woman doesn't get horny, quite, but that the woman doesn't want to admit it to herself, or talk about it, or acknowledge it, or what have you. A relutance to seem horny to others, basically.
• Issues with first becoming sexually active, or with first becoming sexually active with a new partner. By this I mean having panic attacks, freak outs, serious remorse, crying, and so on, after or during sexual activity that the woman herself has chosen to engage in, especially with new partners.
• As a side effect of the above, women with nacomp issues tend to be somewhat late bloomers in terms of sexual activity. Sometimes masturbation comes at a normal pace (whatever that might be for NA women; our society seems to really be able to influence women against that particular activity), but actual sex with a partner will usually be quite a bit late; most women I've known with these issues haven't done much more than kissing until their twenties.
• FIXME

Having said all that, I have encountered women with few or none of those issues that still haven't found their way to easy or powerful or abundant orgasms.

I also want to mention, just as an aside, that not wanting to admit (to oneself or to others) when one is horny is very different from having an actual sex drive problem. I'm of the, somewhat controversial, opinion that actual sex drive problems should pretty much be gone after with drugs, especially in women. In particular, going on the birth control pill or changing formulations can often have profound effects on sex drive.

There's nothing quite as much fun as having a sex drive that is both high and healthy (compulsion is not healthy and not fun); I do quite reccomend it. At least, if you have someone around to share it with.

The Goal

In my experience, most women are capable of pretty serious multiple orgasms, acheived easily.

By "most" here I mean "every woman I've spent more than a year of serious relationship time with". I can think of maybe one exception; it was a while ago, so I'm not sure.

By "pretty serious multiple orgasms" I mean a normal sex session including a dozen or so, sometimes all chained together in a nice rolling wave.

By "easily" I mean less than ten minutes, as often as not, to the first orgasm, and the others following pretty easily after that.

I am certain that there are women for whom this journey isn't possible; there is nothing about humans that is absolutely predictable. Maybe I'm just lucky. But I think a lot more women can go there than give themselves credit for it, and I blame our society's shitty attitude towards women's sexuality.

Only Caring Partners Need Apply

This isn't a sexual technique manual. I'm not going to tell you some exact technique for clitoral stimulation or g-spot rubbing or what have you; that isn't how this works.

Similarily, if your goal is to be able to pick up chicks by bragging about your vast orgasm-inducing skills, this isn't for you.

This essay is about a journey that you take with your partner. It requires kindness, love, and a lot of patience. Months of it.

If you're not up for that, find something else to read.

Having said all that, some sexual skill and/or experience is probably required here. You need to have some sense of what a normal woman's orgasmic cycle is like, I suspect. The reason is that you need to be able to believe that your doing a decent job. If you're busy wondering whether your own skill is the problem, you're unlikely to be able to provide the safe, secure environment required. If you need some help in this area, you could probably do a lot worse than The Guide To Getting It On.

The Place Men Cannot Look

(The section title is a twisted Dune quote; I'm a geek.)

The mental/emotional headspace associated with full access to the female orgasmic experience is very, very different then anything that men go through.

The way that I illustrate this is that, for most men,

Terror

Trust

No-One Is Trying To Fix Anybody

I can't stress this enough:

No Pressure. Seriously.